Well, I had my best Week One picking average of all-time, at 75% (12-4). The first week usually is a hopeless mishmash of ‘don’t know what we gots’ as most teams haven’t played their starters much in preseason. As you know, my goal is to beat the NFL website’s top prognosticator each year, so this is a good start. Let’s get to the picks!
Lions at Bills – The Lions squeeeeaked by the Saints, and Mahogany got polished off the active list for this week (couldn’t help myself..). Josh Allen & Co had a decent match against a good young team, reinforcing their continued presence in the top echelon. One stat to watch is the time of possession; Detroit is 3rd in the league, while the Frozen Chosen from Lake Erie are 29th. Maybe that’s because Buffalo scores in a hurry and kicks off a lot, but maybe not. I’ll take the Tonawanda Terrors at home, by a Lion’s whisker.
Panthers at Falcons – Two rebuilders looking for their first win, with Charlotte a lot closer to playoff threat than Atlanta Home Depots at this stage. Young is maturing nicely, and they put up almost twice as many yards against a stouter defense last week. We’ll see Cooper rush a lot this week, methinks. Cats eat the birds again, true to nature.
Saints at Ravens – In Rome, after the Christians were dispatched by the lions, the ravens would fly in to clean up the scraps. Why should we expect different this week? The Saints made a good Shoughing and pushed the big cats last week, but this Saints season feels to me like one of ‘good showings’ (read ‘losses’) to better-balanced teams. Ravens against the Saints? Talk about a wing-and-a-prayer…Saints win in Baltimore?! Quoth the Ravens, ‘Nevermore!’
Vikings at Bears – The Purple Punishers surprised me (and Green Bay!) last week, by rehabbing yet ANOTHER washed-up QB (first Darnold, now Wentz) and canning the Packers. Da Bears came roaring out of hibernation and mauled Sweet Carolina, oh ohhhh, almost hanging a 60-spot on them. Minnesota won’t catch Chi-town by surprise, not at home and not in a divisional match. Bruins leave the Norsemen in ruins.
Bengals at Texans – Good matchup. I’m looking for developmental progress from Houston, and resolve from Cincy this season. Burrow’s window will begin closing this year or next imo, so it’s Go-time for the Bungles, lest they own that name forever. DeMeco Ryans and his young, stacked team will get better and go deeper into the playoffs, thanks to Cleveland’s uncanny ability to mortgage the franchise every few years and lose the farm. I like the Bullheads to defend the paddock this week. Texans tuck it to the Tigers.
Steelers at Patriots – Well, the Patriots managed to throw a win away in Seattle, literally. Those who put all the blame on Maye weren’t watching Josh McDaniel call 60% running plays, most on first down, against the stoutest defense in the NFL. Maye’s aim wasn’t good on the long stuff, to be sure, and instead of falling on the ball and kicking a FG to send the game to OT he hucked it up there to one of Seattle’s sub safeties (say THAT three times fast). Ok, Pittsburgh is coming in, after their defeathering of the Falcons. Always a tough out, but if New England’s O-line could largely handle Seattle for most of the opener, they won’t bow to the Steel Wall at home. The Steelers are always a riveting opponent, but the Minutemen forge a victory at home.
Packers at Jets – GangGreen got their win in Tenny-see, while Green Bay got spanked by blonde guys in purple wearing horns. They are going to want to rip the wings off the Jets to get back on track and wash that stink off. In the Battle of Greens, the Bay gets mean.
Browns at Buccaneers – Headline: ‘Mayfield’s Old Team Gets Bludgeoned By Mayfield’s New Team – Film at Eleven’. This won’t be close…or even football, for that matter. That pirate ship cannon the Bucs fire after each score may sound like an autoloader this week. Orange you glad you can watch something else?
Eagles at Titans – Just…no. Nope. Not a trap game. Not a close game. This is Max Baer vs Sister Thelma Flosstwitter. Leucocephalus sinks the Titanics.
Jaguars at Broncos – Red meat game. This one already has meaning, as Denver wants to recover from their opening loss to the Chiefs. The Jags want to maintain their winning momentum and reaffirm that they are contenders this year. Denver is such a hard place to go get a win. I’d like Jacksonville at home, but I think the Broncs dig deep and return to playoff form of last year. Ponies show cojones and trample the Jags.
Raiders at Chargers – The Bolts looked like dolts last week, thoroughly unimpressive. Who are they this year? Playoff team or tailspin troop? We know who the Raiders are. Maxx the Sacks is in, while Mack the Sack is out. That matters. I think the Raiders find lightning twice, shocking the Bolts.
Seahawks at Cardinals – Seattle’s defense is a pressure cooker that steams all 60 minutes, and eventually every opponent is going to feel that intensity wear them down. The Cards pulled off a surprise win last week, but they won’t surprise the Squawks this week. Brissett becomes brisket in the heat of Seattle’s kitchen, as the red birds get slow-roasted.
Commanders at Cowboys – The other shocker last week was the implosion of the Cowboys in Gotham. OK, we got that clunker out of the way – now they can remember that they are the Dallas Cowboys, for cryin’ out loud. The Commanders aren’t going to lay down, and really this game could fall either way. I don’t want to see Jerry Jones out there taking snaps, for the love of God. Prescott puts on his Tony Lama’s, sites his six-gun in and delivers a victory at the OK Corral.
Dolphins at 49ers – Niners stock has risen like gold prices. The Dolphins’ carcass has sunk to the bottom of the sea to be eaten by crabs and worms. I’d rather wash my cat than watch this trash. Do you need me to indicate the outcome?
Colts at Chiefs – Chiefs came out scalping in Game 1. This is two games against two horse teams in two weeks. Broncos got ridden and the Colts will get broken. KC rides on.
Giants at Rams – Rams lost as the favored team to SF. The Giants upended the Cowboys in an improbable win. Flip the script this week, as the earth’s axis is restored. I blame it on Daylight Savings time…..Gotham hits bottom in Hollywood.
Enjoy the games!
-Pigskin Pundit (Nate Clark)
Nathan Clark is a conservative commentator who resides with his wife in New Hampshire. He is passionate about preserving the vision of our nation’s Founders and advancing those tried and true principles deep into America’s future. His interests range broadly from fly-fishing, cooking and shooting to pro sports, gardening, live music and fine-scale modeling.
This post originally appeared on clashdaily.com
